India and me

When I arrived in Calcutta, I was feeling like a little bit of a seasoned traveler, having been on the road for a month. Feeling just a little cocky. But that was quickly knocked out of me. Calcutta is unlike any experience I have ever had in life.

Every one of my senses was attacked at once. The smells, the sights, the tastes, the feeling of hot, stickiness on my body, the emotions of trying to process it all. Everything at once. It's all a little too much. I haven't felt well since I've been here and maybe part of it is my body going into survival mode. I feel like there is a hot, heavy blanket over me, over my head. I am exhausted by 2 in the afternoon and need to lay down and rest. My body is not handling the food or water and nothing stays inside for long. I am trying my best to stay hydrated and finding something I can eat, which isn't easy.

I had to go and check myself into a western hotel for a couple of days so I could get some rest and some food. And then grappling with feelings of guilt for doing this, knowing that what I am spending on a hotel could do so much for the girls at Soma Home. As I was laying my my bathtub at the Taj Bengal Hotel, soaking away the dirt and grime and sweat off of my body, I was asking myself what I am doing here in India. Why did I come, what did I think I was going to accomplish?

The answer is that I guess I wanted to test myself in some way. I am newly independent and wanted to know that I have strength to be on my own. I also wanted to help my fellow human beings in the world who need help, and I am in a position to give my time and energy here in India. But I just don't know how much I can do. I wanted to "do" something. To have a goal of teaching English or Yoga and leaving something behind for the girls at Soma Home. I have done some of that, but it doesn't look the way I thought it would and I now realize that that's ok.

I am doing what I am capable of, and that may be just sitting and spending time with the girls. They will remember their time with me and they will remember me in the photos I leave behind. They love having their photos taken and I will get them all printed out so they can keep them.

I feel like the girls have given so much to me and helped me heal some very old wounds. It's a big process. I feel like I have triumphed and I feel like I have failed all at the same time. I am struggling with my role in all of this.

I am refreshed now after a few days break and can go back to Soma Home and be more fully there for the girls before I leave on Saturday. I plan to travel with April Mazzuca, a volunteer here from Canada to Darjeeling and then down to the Andaman Islands before I fly to Varanasi to help at Buddha's Smile School. That will be another tough, emotional gig to be sure.

I am learning a lot about who I am and what I need to do to take care of myself. Some huge-ass lessons learned in India. And much more to come...